Previous Dialogue With Action/Description

(K walks into the door of the apartment to see M standing in the bedroom doorway. She has an almost shellshocked expression of wonderment on her face. In one hand she holds a positive pregnancy test. K's expression changes from happy to dismayed and M's face falls as well in response)

 

K

No. Oh no…

M

K? What… what’s wrong?

K

Not now, not already…

 

(K's face hardens and he walks towards her. M seems to shrink as her happy daze disappears completely)

M

But K, a child. Our child. You always said you wanted… K, be careful!

 

(K roughly pushes M aside as he strides purposefully into the bedroom, slamming her into the doorframe. Tears are beginning to glisten in her eyes.

K

Pack your things. We’re leaving.

 

(M's resolve also appears to harden as she rounds on K, still close to tears. Halfway through her statement her anger fades to reveal a desperate longing.)

M

What’s wrong with you? You’ve never acted like this… never treated me this way. And what  are you saying about leaving? I only just found you again… K!

K

(angrily) I told you to pack your things, now do it!

M

Tell me what’s going on!

K

Don’t question me. I’ll explain…I’ll explain later. Just do it, now, do you understand me?

 

(M complies and goes into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. The anger drains from K's face. He is a man in despair, desperate, his world crushed in that instant he saw his wife in the doorway. He picks up the phone and dials a number, his hands shaking. A muffled voice can be heard replying to him on the other end of the line.)

K

It’s happened. Already… what time? Alright, alright. Are you sure? I have to… yes. Goodbye

Dialogue That Moves the Story Forward

I apologize, this probably makes no sense without the action/description, which I will add later.

K

No. Oh no…

M

K? What… what’s wrong?

K

Not now, not already…

M

But K, a child. Our child. You always said you wanted… K, be careful!

K

Pack your things. We’re leaving.

M

What’s wrong with you? You’ve never acted like this… never treated me this way. And what  are you saying about leaving? I only just found you again… K!

K

I told you to pack your things, now do it!

M

Tell me what’s going on!

K

Don’t question me. I’ll explain…I’ll explain later. Just do it, now, do you understand me?

K

It’s happened. Already… what time? Alright, alright. Are you sure? I have to… yes. Goodbye.

Writing Effective Dialogue

-Say it to yourself-

 Make sure the dialogue sounds good out loud, make sure it flows. Act it out in whispers.

-Develop a Voice-

If your characters have a strong voice and mannerisms, a unique style of speaking, then their lines will come naturally. Every character shouldn't sound like you. This isn't Julia Roberts' acting career.

-Create Good Situations-

Tense situations, unusual situations, all spark better dialogue. The character's lives shouldn't be boring.

Elements of the Hollywood Formula I Need To Think About

The Opening- I’m using a “prologue” type opening and it is going to take a romanc-y sort of tone which is very different from the rest of the movie. I have what’ll happen in the prologue carefully planned out (it’ s actually the only part of the story that I am absolutely sure about). However, I need to find a way to convey the tone of the rest of the movie during this part so it doesn’t get off on the wrong foot, so to speak.

Having Fun and Getting to Know Your Characters- This part is going to be pretty difficult for me. First of all, it’s not exactly going to be about, per se, having fun. Basically, this is the period where the mother is starting to find out slowly what is going on with her husband and the children are growing older. This is a period of at least a decade spent in isolation and I have to find a way to make it interesting. In order to do this I will probably have to introduce a few other characters and add some intrigue, as well as some interesting tests for the children.

The Final Push- Again, I really have no idea how it’s all going to play out. Somewhere before this there will be a “big reveal” where the mother finds out everything. The end will not take place at  the secluded hideout, there is a cataclysm and they leave. We face off with the cult for the first time. I know who dies here but that’s about it. I also know that the twins will probably be just coming into adulthood, 18 maybe.

My Logline: Revised

So I made a few changes. I'm actually pleased with the way it turned out, I found a way to streamline it and add a reference to a major element I didn't have room for in the original. Ta-daaa!

A mother must protect her twin children from the influence of the father she still loves and the cult that made him believe  they are destined to kill him.